How becoming a stereotypical wicked stepmother saved me

Let’s play a little game of word association. I will give you a word, then you will shout out the first word that comes to mind. Here goes: if I say “evil” you say? Hands up those of you who said “stepmom”. Who can blame you? The association between these two words is well entrenched. It’s almost like you can’t have one without the other. 

I am a stepmother. To be honest, it’s the first time I’ve openly referred to myself as such. I haven’t been able to do so in the past. Like most people, the word conjures up such gloom-ridden visions in my mind. It’s hard to imagine myself as part of that notorious group of women. That’s one reason. 

The other reason is that in the eight years I’ve known my husband, I haven’t managed to form a bond with any of his three adult children. Therefore, being a childless woman, I honestly don’t feel like anybody’s mother. 

For years I beat myself up over this, thanks to the unhelpful counsel I was receiving from all and sundry. It was mostly just Google quotes disguised as sound advice. From in-laws sub-posting passive-aggressive Facebook statuses along the lines of “If you love a man you must love his children too”, to well-meaning aunts uttering “treat his children as your own”. As if that wasn’t enough pressure, enter superwoman Jada Pinkett Smith, informing all of us mere mortals that these situations separate the girls (that being us who are failing to make it work), from the women (that being her of course, more mature than the rest of us, so it’s obviously working out for her). I nearly drove myself nuts trying to live up to all of it.

I was on the verge of losing myself and my self-respect, trying so hard to gain acceptance at all cost. Trying to “woman up” (as Jada put it) and make it work. I took the criticism and blame for all the children’s life problems. If they failed their studies at varsity, it was my fault. I accepted it and tried to be better. If they needed to use my car, I gladly gave it and walked to where I needed to get to. When they would only greet their father and completely ignore me as if I wasn’t in the room, I would brush it off and carry on as if nothing had happened. Naturally, all my efforts were unreciprocated because the onus lies solely on you, the stepmother, to make it work, but there is no obligation whatsoever on the stepchildren to meet you half way.

My wakeup call finally came one September day in 2014. It happened at my stepson’s wedding. It had been a beautiful wedding up until photo shoot time when he rudely told me to step out of a family photo as it was just that, a family photo, something I was not a part of.

To say that I was pissed off is an understatement. It was the final insult! However, at the same time, I was strangely relieved that the incident had occurred. It was my moment of liberation. The gloves were off. This meant never having to tip-toe around my stepkids again, hoping for acceptance that was never going to come. 

The entire experience jolted me back into reality. I finally remembered who I really was. I’ve never been a saint nor a doormat. I’ve always been an assertive person who gives as good as she gets. If that made me a wicked stepmother, then I was only too glad to own the title.

What I know now

Right now I want to speak up for the stepmother who is still oppressed and disempowered. I’m going to take the fall for all of us “evil stepmothers” by speaking about the taboos, the things that most are too afraid to talk about.

1. Starting from now, close your ears to all the quasi experts and stereotypes. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to making a blended family work. Our situations are all different.
2. In my experience with adult stepchildren, you can bank on the fact that you will be the target of relentless contempt, put-downs and animosity….until the day you stand up for yourself, that is. Avoiding conflict does not solve anything in this case. It only entrenches unhealthy resentment. It’s time to break your silence. It’s time to set boundaries in a no-nonsense, yet civil manner, and then disengaged.
3. Being disengaged means their opinions of you no longer affective you. The passive-aggressive antagonism no longer moves you. Basically, you just don’t take the bait anymore.
   
   “…and you will know freedom once you liberate yourself from others expectations.” –Unknown
   
   
4. Praying for your adult stepchildren to leave home before they hit forty might not be the most efficient plan. Rather set a timeframe with your spouse, specifying how long an adult child can live at home and when or from what age they are expected to have their ducks in a row and be living independently, as the mature adults they profess to be.
5. You can’t love them like your own because they aren’t. Stop beating yourself up over it. The notion that this is humanly possible is unrealistic and flawed.
6. Lastly, ditch the guilt and trust your instincts. Thanks to years of bad rap, as stepmoms we live with this crippling guilt. Afraid to make even the slightest decisions about basic matters such as how to run your household, dare it upset someone. Now is the time for you to rise up and take your rightful position as the queen of your castle. Too bad for anyone who opposes.

Being a stepmom is one of the most disempowering positions a woman can find themselves in. Cut us some slack. Everyone deserves a break. Maybe one day someone will finally understand our plight and make a movie about “the wicked stepchildren” instead. Perhaps that would balance the lopsided perspective on the stepmother/stepchildren relationship.

Stepmothers are so loathed by society that the idea of having your voice heard, as I have done, brings about a lot of anxiety and doubt to many of us. The fear of a backlash has stopped me from doing it for years. Even now, as I write, I wonder if I should ever show this to my husband and family or not.

To all stepmothers out there, I think it’s time we wrote our own fairy tale, with our own happy ending. Let’s break the spell that’s turned us into evil monsters. May you live happily ever after.